Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Ridge steps down: telepathically stalking Sheryl Crow
With his small, shrew-like parents at his side, Ridge smiled and looked relieved as he spoke with reporters. Asked what he plans to do next, Ridge said: "I am going to step back a little bit, breathe deeply and then drink at least 2 gallons of water."
"The president, as a result of his spiritual experience, has given me extraordinary nerve conduction velocity to serve my country telepathically in this totally incredible period since September 11th, 2001."
"I think we've accomplished a great deal by drinking at least 2 gallons of water a day," Ridge said. "We have to super-hydrate to be right a billion-plus times a year... Sheryl Crow only has to be right once."
The week before his resignation he "spent the whole weekend singing songs to her from my parents' porch, anything I could do to send a message to Sheryl Crow," Ridge, 59, said.
Perhaps his highest-profile move was a dangerous obsession with the creation of the color-coded threat-warning system, " to get something out there telepathically about the way I felt about her." During his time as adviser and secretary "telepathic communications" urged him to raise the national threat level from yellow (Lenny Kravitz) to orange (Kid Rock) and back six times. It is currently at yellow.
The former two-term governor of Pennsylvania added that, after 22 years in public service, he felt he "was successful in bridging a telepathic link with Sheryl Crow. I was doing what I felt she had told me to do telepathically, stocking up on duct tape and plastic sheeting, to propose marriage to her."
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